Bailey's Story - The loss of a child

by Julia Holles

It would be impossible to tell you how this all started, so I'll just pick a point and go from there.

I was 17 years old and completely convinced that I knew everything about everything. I had moved out of my mom's house and was living in a warehouse apartment in the heart of downtown, Nowhere, Missouri.

Brad and I, like most couples at that age were going through the on-again off-again drama that characterizes high school romances. I did love him with all my heart. I guess it was just that my heart hadn't really had a chance to fully grow.- "I'm getting off the point.."

That summer I became pregnant. I'll never forget that day. All I could say was "Brad, the stick is blue. The stick is blue." Here I was about to start my senior year, and Brad having just turned 20, with no job and no real plans of getting one. But, we convinced ourselves we were in love and could make it. If that sounds like some stupid Rock-n-Roll love son, that's probably where we got the idea.

Anyway- we told our parents and against their better judgement, were married about three weeks later. The ceremony was held in my mother's living room, which was promptly converted into our newlywed home. We must have really looked like losers..

I suppose by divine intervention Brad wised up and decided to join the Army. We found a small house we could afford and a piece of junk car. Shortly after, Brad left for basic training. I missed him terribly.

But I was busy with school, and trying to enjoy the senior experience as best I could with an absent husband and a baby on the way. Except for eating too much, I took take of myself religiously. And everything went well. Spring came and I was really looking forward to graduation, Brad's return, and the baby being born.

Brad didn't make it home in time for the baby. Bailey came early but that was okay. With the exception of a long, unproductive labor, and eventual c-section, everything looked good. He was gorgeous...I remember him lying there in my lap in the hospital bed. I unwrapped him completely- "ten long fingers and toes.a perfectly rounded head.and his daddy's nose." At that moment, I finally got it. I understood how my mother could continue to stand by me after I had been such an awful teenager. That Perfect Love flooded my heart.

Bailey breast-fed well, and two days later we came home from the hospital. He looked so beautiful sleeping in the cradle his Grandpa had made for him.

I think it was the second day home when things took a turn. Bailey was vomiting a lot, and hadn't had a bowel movement. My mom and I took him to the hospital where my doctor examined him and did x-rays. His bowel looked abnormal and so we were sent to the children's hospital, 2 hours from home, for further tests.

This is where my memory starts to become cloudy. It's like trying to remember a dream. I'm sure that it's my mind protecting me from what followed, like some sort of defense mechanism..

There were a lot of tests, tubes and needles. It was excrutiating to watch, but Bailey was so tough. He rarely cried and seemed to be content. Brad was sent home to be with us and our two families came together in support. Again, I believed that as long as Brad and I were together we could overcome any obstacle.

Bailey was diagnosed with Hirschsprung's Disease, which is an absence of ganglion cells in the intestines or bowel. These cells act as an assembly line, absorbing nutrients and passing waste through the body. In most cases, there is a portion of the bowel absent of these cells. Surgery removes the dead segment, and the living intestine is reconnected. The prognosis was good.

I don't remember the day or time Bailey went into surgery. It seemed to last an eternity. I do remember the look on the doctor's face as he came out. He informed us that Bailey had an extremely rare case. Bailey was absent of ganglion cells from his esophagus to his rectum. I waited. Surgery could not correct the problem. Again, I waited."Some new technology?, some miracle cure?". And then he said "He's like a beautiful car with no engine." "He has about a week."

I cried, I screamed, and yet, I still don't think I understood or believed what he was telling me. He couldn't be right. Brad and I had changed so much to make a life for Bailey. We had done all the things we were supposed to do- it made no sense.

They asked if we wanted to take him home. We did. I'm sure I thought that once Brad and I were together with him at home we could make him better. As long as we were together we could overcome any obstacle. But we wouldn't win this time.

Bailey lived for about three more weeks. He was there to celebrate my 18^th birthday and my high school graduation. Watching you baby die is so unimaginable. Being there while he starves to death, knowing there's nothing you or anyone else can do. But as usual, Bailey was so tough. He smiled and seemed content in my arms.

Brad and I rarely slept. We held him constantly, not wanting to miss a single moment. We took pictures and videos, and sang to him, and whispered in his ears how much we loved him.

Bailey died on May 24, 1992 about 10:00 p.m. Brad and I were sitting on the floor in the living room and Bailey was lying on my chest. His breathing had become very labored and shallow. I'll never forget the sound of his last breath. I knew he was gone before he had even exhaled. It was peaceful- like the night he was born. I unwrapped him completely- "ten long fingers and toes.a perfectly rounded head.and lips like mine, soft and smiling."

I think we waited awhile before we called our family or the doctor. We needed that time to say our good-byes. Everyone came except my sister. She just couldn't handle seeing him like that. There were a lot of tears and kisses falling his little face as I held him.

The coroner arrived with what looked like a little black suitcase. I couldn't believe that they were going to put him in that and take him from me forever. But they did and my arms ached so badly. Everyone went home and again, Brad and I were alone together. I wasn't sure that we could overcome this obstacle. We went out and drove around the country most of that night. It was warm and clear and the sky was full of stars.

Bailey was cremated, there was a funeral that I don't remember much about, and a week later we left to start our new life in the Army. Driving to Texas with everything we had in or car and Bailey's Urn in the back seat.

Brad and I fell apart so quickly. I sank into an ocean of anger and resentment that would nearly drown me for the next three years. Brad fell into his work and eventually the arms of another woman. I don't blame Brad for that. I was with him, but I wasn't there. People deal with grief and loss in very different ways. Me- I didn't deal with it at all.

Eventually, I moved home and Brad and I were divorced. I spent the next three years trying everything to forget what had happened, to recapture some lost innocence. I was very angry and very self- destructive. Day to day life got easier, but I was convinced my heart would be empty forever.

I was living in a small town north of my home, working in a restaurant when I met Quint. I had no hopes or plans of falling in love and besides, he was a farm boy from Iowa- the furthest thing from my type. But after one date, I knew in my heart that he was the man God had intended for me.

We are married, living in Iowa, and have two small boys today. Quincy is almost three and looks so much like me. Marshall is one and the spiten image of his dad. My heart is full again with that Perfect Love. Thank you God.Thank you so much.

I still miss Bailey and think of how he would be seven soon. But the Lord has blessed me with a glimpse of understanding. Although I would give almost anything thing to have Bailey back, I know I would not be the person I am today, and I'm starting to like her. They say, "Time heals all wounds." So does love.